Friday, April 18, 2003

Physical vulnerability.

That’s what’s affecting me at the moment.

During my teens and twenties I’d consider an action, send it to my brain and my body would react enthusiastically. Suddenly, that’s no longer the case. I can no longer rely on my body to carry out the wishes of my brain. The two are now frosty neighbours rather than the close friends they once were.

My body feels older somehow, like a battered and slightly unreliable car. When you put your key in the ignition you’re never quite sure whether it’s going to start first time and rev contentedly or sputter, give off a plume of acrid black smoke and then fall silent.

Mentally, I’m still the same person as before. Physically, though, I’ve changed and I’m just starting to realise how much.

SE says on the discussion board that “usually we’re so symmetrical.” That’s exactly it. Where once the two halves of my body felt identical, now I’m lop-sided. On one side my leg slips effortlessly down into an ankle and foot, which hugs the ground. On the other side it halts abruptly in mid-air.

Since the accident I’ve felt fallible, damaged, dare I say it……mortal.

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