Full marks to my prosthetics team for their multidisciplinary approach to the job.

At a hospital visit this afternoon for some minor adjustments to the new artificial leg I complained that it kept squeaking like a rusty door, meaning you can hear me approaching from 100 yards away.

Coming from an Irish farming family, prosthetist Heather had discovered the perfect solution. She slipped a tiny elastic banding ring over the long metal pin which connects my real leg to the artificial one.

Banding rings are used by farmers to cut off the blood supply to lambs' testicles until they fall off....but they also do an excellent job of curing squeaky artificial limbs.

I just hope my leg doesn't drop off.