It's been a toughie singling out just three but here they are -- The Twat Pack.

GEOFF HOON: Just what is he for? After his testimony to the Hutton Inquiry it's clear the Defence Secretary doesn't have the slightest idea what's going on in his own department -- so how does he justify that ministerial salary of 125 grand? Not that it matters, seeing as he's going to be sacked as soon as the inquiry's over.


MADONNA: Maybe I'm just jealous, but the sight of Madonna swapping spit with Britney Spears at the MTV Video Music Awards made me want to vomit -- not because it's two women kissing but because it's the desperate act of a clapped out has-been. Madge gets more tedious with every passing day. If she really wanted to be controversial she should have snogged Johnny Cash.


HOWARD BROWN:Howard Brown is Customer Services Manager at the Sheldon branch of the Halifax. Where in God's name is Sheldon? I just googled it -- apparently it's in Birmingham, just off the A41 near Acocks Green. Well wherever it is it's blighted by the presence of speccy twat Howard, whose renditions of pop songs with the lyrics changed so as to sing the praises of the Halifax Bank are so irritating they cause me to break out in stress-related eczema. Those queens that mince around behind him in the Bollywood-themed advert are equally bad. They should all be reported to the Financial Services Authority.